Baby’s First Steps

Today my 8 month old took her first steps!  And kept going … falling …. going … falling … such a great milestone!

I’ve been spending most of my time in my “room.” Internally I call it kind of my prison… dungeon… now that it’s roomier, I am not AS miserable, but so lonely.

My husband was sick, and mid afternoon asked me to come watch a movie or something with him… I don’t know if he missed me or was just miserable and didn’t want to die alone lol but of course I agreed.  Problem is that I can’t stop being who I am even if I shouldn’t.

I just don’t know how to address all of the issues that are now swirling in my head.  2 months ago I was happy and in love. Now I wonder if he even loves me anymore, what other things I don’t know about.  It’s a horrible feeling, and we’ve been through this before.

A now ex friend has told me that he makes fun of my weight, has made passes at her, and has me fooled.  Of course, I think he’s got THEM fooled if they think I’m not completely aware of who he is. I know better than anyone.

I’m tired of people turning on me when I don’t choose them over him. 10 years and 3 kids, and EVERYTHING we’ve been through, they can basically be sure I won’t choose them.  I have ZERO friends. So any friend is new, and can’t hold even a candle in the wind to my marriage. I don’t care if I’m “stupid: because again, their opinion doesn’t really matter to me.

I’m tired of being sad, and lonely.  I miss my real bed.  I wish I had time to do my resume, because I keep getting interrupted by my daughter grabbing cords and squawking at me!  I need a job… and FAST.

I wish I knew someone who would wish me luck.

I need to find a forum/message board that people talk on.

I have GOT to find people out there that I can just chat with in general.

Goals for tomorrow:  resume & figuring out where actual PEOPLE are online

Watching MasterChef, biding my time until the baby sleeps, then hoping to go to sleep and escape this living hell for just a little while.

No More Free Watching

I can’t get over the security camera in my room. Yes, I’ve dealt with it for a very long time as a baby monitor for us to use (when we’re both downstairs) and generally showing the crib only. That makes sense.
What I am getting more and more irritated to the point of real anger, is how it was aimed at the room in general for a while for the last couple days.
Then I find out (not including other issues with this a whole other story) that there are headphones plugged in downstairs, and I’m being listened to all the time, any time, no privacy. Not only this, but my daughter was told to listen in to see how “weird” mom was (while ticked off from a really bad fight that was completely one sided against me w/o even one of my thoughts included)
I talk to myself especially when I’m really mad, because (another book for sure) I’m now officially aware that my opinion isn’t wanted or cared about for basically any situation where a “discussion” takes place. That means when I’m being told how to change myself to be worth being around by someone who apparently thinks they’re so much better than me….
I am so aware of how I have no one to talk to, that I almost started it thinking at first that’s a good way (loud enough to be heard) to say it and they hear me so I get to talk at least …. Since the main goal lately is to exclude me from my spouses’ presence which is more than half the home, I am confined to my room w/ the baby, and the habit sticks a bit because I truly don’t have anyone to talk to. The hurt and lonliness just keep building, and maybe talking out loud makes me feel like I’m not alone… even though I know it’s just me, it’s the sound of a voice.
Sadly, I get made fun of by the person who has alienated me more than anyone else in my entire life, the only one I truly was wanting to have as a companion and equal who thinks I’m equal to doing what they want and love to control or wave off when inconvenient. This is how my daughter (and I’m sure friends etc that I’m not aware of) have been given a great laugh at my expense – a window into my very lonely personal issues and embarrassment. Not only ashamed of how I’m being treated, but how it could be shown off as a freak show and laughed at by the person who’s supposed to love me.
This morning, since I don’t bother going downstairs much anymore being not welcome most of the time, I was changing the baby and the camera caught my attention like it does every 2 minutes or so all day every day. Constant reminder that I have no privacy whatsoever, and am subject to being watched and made fun of at any moment, no place to have a thought or conversation, phone call, or maybe I’m on computer, sitting, standing, etc just laid out there and yet…. where’s my headphones as to what anyone else is doing? I would be drawn and quartered if found snooping in that manner, and am sickened by not only the double standard, but the pure ego that acts as though the right to violate my feelings so hurtfully is completely fine.
If you want to see me, you need to physically do so! If you want to know what I’m thinking, ask me! If you want to know what I’m doing, see and ask! This open door into my every word and move is sickening and I feel like not only is it just another reminder of how I’m not wanted around, but how I’ll never even be needed out of curiousity, because ANYONE can just sneak into my private moments and watch like some sick TV reality show.
I’ve already heard it all, from the exaggerated to the downright lies, the extreme conspiracy theories to the laughable excuses. I am in full knowledge that my input is not wanted, my presence inconvenient and annoying, and that I’m already sad and trying to decide if I’m even interested in continuing in my one sided attempt to fix this disaster that I haven’t caused.
I thought this type of humiliation was a market cornered by perverts and sickos, who use the eyes and ears to either learn how best to hurt or take advantage of their victims. I never in a thousand years would have thought I’d be in a position so isolated, but beyond that, times one thousand, never ever thought that the person who could care less about me or what I think would spy on me and then point at me to my kids of all people to make them think less of me.
As I write this, I am getting less angry, and more concerned, maybe both, and realize that I have been used and manipulated, shamed and hurt, and that I am a complete idiot to have even typed the idea of fixing a situation that I have done nothing wrong and am the only one trying to fix.
I believe at this moment, I’m truly finished thinking my marriage is salvagable. I need to get car, job, and somehow run as fast as I can. I think this behavior would have any professional telling me to be very afraid, as escalation is adly a real possibility.
Its too bad I don’t know anyone. I have no friends. No one to protect me from this torture on my heart.
Maybe now I read this to myself…. I will be making strides to find people asap to help fortify myself and help me end this farce of a marriage.

– sad, but not stupid

A Quick Intro

I am just adding this post to give my basic reasons for blogging.  I’ve been attempting to start blogging for years, and never really kept with it.  Life just got in the way, and now that’s exactly why I know I need to stick with it.

This morning I thought I’d type out a journal type entry with something I’ve been dying to say, but I have no one to talk to!  So when I was done, I realized what I truly need is an outlet that is exposed. People can see it, comment, and I can finally be heard.

So here I am, doing what I know I should have done years ago, (I’ve always said I could write a book about what I’ve been through) and hoping that REAL HONESTY (excluding anything that shouldn’t be out on the web because lets face it, some real experiences aren’t exactly um approved lol) will encourage me to take hold of my life and fix myself so I can be stronger, and maybe someone else might enjoy the literally crazy things I do, see, and frankly put up with (yeah, more on that trust me).

So to all of the critics out there, sure, if you don’t like something, by all means, say what you will, because I have and do a lot of crazy stuff … but just in case you think I am interested in personal attacks? Bite me.  🙂

This will not be unicorns and rainbows, some happy, and a lot sad, possibly disturbing or shocking situations that are not as uncommon as people think.

My real dream, is that maybe it’ll take off!  Maybe I’ll end up being interesting enough that someone someday tells me that they read my ramblings faithfully, and that in and of itself will probably be the best day of my life (excluding kids etc of course)

So thank you for even seeing this (because you had to click, then use your eyeballs, and stopping before a 2nd click is very unlikely in a trigger-clicky type society who jumps from one thing to the next so fast) and please, keep reading, as I plan to pour out my heart and soul on here and I know that every person is worth it. No one is too small, and everyone should have a voice.